Hello, non-American friends in Thailand. Congratulations! You’ve found yourself surrounded by American expats during the Fourth of July, America’s birthday. Or as locals affectionately call it, “Somehow they got louder.”
In your hands is a helpful guide designed to walk you through this loud, confusing celebration of democracy, freedom, and processed meats. Pay attention, please, you’ll need this.
1. Fireworks: The sound of freedom (and pet anxiety)
Similar to the Chinese New Year, Americans celebrate freedom by lighting explosives that terrify dogs, babies, and most responsible adults. The difference is that the Chinese use fireworks for good luck and fortune. Americans do it for “patriotism.” If you see someone setting off fireworks at noon, they’re not confused, just incredibly impatient.
Pro tip: If an American says, “Hold my beer,” quickly step away and prepare your camera. You’re about to witness the birth of a YouTube fail video. Also, be prepared to call 191 (911).
2. Barbecues: America’s true democracy
Democracy in a lot of countries is in the voting booths or mail-in ballots. In America, it’s in the backyard barbecues. Everyone’s allowed an opinion about meat:
- “That burger’s burnt.”
- “That burger’s raw.”
- “You can’t be vegan on the Fourth of July!”
The correct response is always nodding politely while receiving whatever plastic plate you are given.
Pro tip: When offered potato salad or macaroni and cheese, never ask who made it. There’s always a complicated story, and it’s rarely worth the risk.
3. Patriotic apparel: Wearing the flag ironically and unironically
You’ll see people wearing clothes covered entirely in stars, stripes, eagles and guns. Americans believe it honours their country. In reality, it usually just honours Walmart clearance racks. All made in China,of course.
Pro tip: Avoid staring directly at the outfits; like the sun, they can cause lasting damage to the eyes.
4. The national anthem: Mandatory, frequent, and poorly sung
Every American has their favourite version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Whitney Houston, Chris Stapleton, Luther Vandross, Jimi Hendrix, etc. Expect spontaneous, heartfelt performances of The Star-Spangled Banner at unpredictable moments. This song is notoriously difficult, and singing it badly is considered both traditional and charming (to Americans, other countries not so much)
Pro tip: Join in softly. No one knows all the words. Just pretend you’re emotional when it seems like it’s about to end.
5. Politics: The uninvited guest
At some point, your cheerful BBQ might become a heated political debate. Americans love freedom of speech almost as much as they love telling someone else they’re wrong about freedom.
Common phrases:
- “If you don’t like it, leave!”
- “I’m just saying…”
- “We can agree to disagree” (They cannot.)
Thank strawberry blonde Jesus that the Americans are having this argument in Thailand, where they don’t have guns.
Pro tip: To end any political argument, casually ask, “Who wants a beer?” It works 87% of the time.
6. Dessert
Just after the BBQ, the dinner rolls and the homemade blah blah, there is dessert. YES! Dessert, you can’t avoid it. There is a reason America is the fattest country on the planet and it’s called hard work. The dessert can vary depending on which state your American guest comes from.
Apple pie symbolises America, but each region aggressively promotes its own dessert: New Yorkers love cookies, Texans love pecan pie, Florida man will always go for key lime pie, and Californians have ice cream (just make sure it’s organic, locally grown, non-GMO, gluten-free, and vegan)
Pro tip: Agree enthusiastically with whatever dessert you’re given. If you don’t want it, leave it on a counter; don’t worry, an American will eat it if it’s left alone long enough.
7. Alcohol: Liberty in a can
July 4 is traditionally paired with drinking beer from a cooler. The cheaper the beer, the better. The Fourth of July is known for the biggest consumption of alcohol for Americans, or an average day for an Englishman.
Pro tip: If someone offers you something special, decline politely. It’s probably homemade and will cause blindness.
Closing Thoughts:
Navigating the Fourth of July as a non-American is daunting. Americans may seem strange on this day, but they’re friendly. Just remember: beneath the noise, smoke, and questionable food choices lies a nation genuinely proud of its independence.
No matter where you come from, an American will welcome you as an American on the fourth. So grab a burger, cheer for some explosives, and avoid discussions about healthcare. You’ve got this.
Happy Fourth of July. Good luck out there.
The story Welcome to American expats in Thailand: A guide to understanding the Fourth of July abroad as seen on Thaiger News.
