My sexless marriage is pushing me into an affair with another woman – I didn’t sign up to be celibate

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife’s total lack of interest in sex is pushing me into an affair with another woman.

I have tried talking to her about it, but she just told me to buy myself a male sex toy if I felt that frustrated.

I’ve tried everything to make her want me again. I didn’t sign up to be celibate, so is it wrong for me to look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment?

I’m 42 and my wife is 44. We’ve been married for 15 years and have three children.

We always had a healthy, regular sex life. But since our last child was born three years ago, there has not been any intimacy at all.

She says she has no desire for sex and thinks our only focus should be on the kids. When I try to be affectionate in bed, she pushes me away, turns over and goes to sleep.

The problem is, I still have a very high sex drive.

I think about sex all the time, so I feel constantly rejected and frustrated.

I don’t want a best friend and co-parent I live with. I want a wife and a lover.

I’d be willing to compromise and have sex even just once a week — as I’ve told her — but she won’t consider it.

I’ve never cheated on her and I don’t want to leave her for another woman.

But her refusal to have sex is making me start to think about straying.

When I mentioned this was where my brain was going, hoping it might push her into dealing with our problem, she just changed the subject.

Recently, I’ve been going online and talking to another woman.

She’s also in an unhappy relationship and has made it clear her sex drive almost certainly matches mine.

I’m now on the brink of arranging a time and a place to meet her.

I can’t stop fantasising about it. Would it be so wrong?

DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage. It’s unsurprising that your wife’s lack of desire is making you unhappy.

She may be content to “shut up shop”, but she seems to be in denial about the effect this is having on you. That’s unfair.

This doesn’t mean an affair is a good idea, or a solution. It will only cause many more problems.

It’s your wife you want. So before jumping into bed with someone else, ask her if she’d agree to counselling so you can talk openly and honestly and try to find ways to resolve this.

Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) to make an appointment.

If she won’t agree to discuss this, then you need to think about whether your marriage has a future.

THANK YOU FOR…ADVICE ON LEAVING ALCOHOLIC HUBBY

DEAR DEIDRE: YEARS of being in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic had left me depressed, lonely and with no hope for the future, so I wrote to you.

All I had in my life was work, but because I had to pay for everything, my salary was gone before I knew it.

My husband had driven all our friends away. We’d been married for 25 years. I’m 50 and he’s 53.

I tried talking to him about it, but he didn’t listen. He clearly had no interest in me, only in his bottles of wine.

As I blamed myself for being in this mess, I felt I couldn’t burden my family with my woes.

You were so sympathetic and understanding, reassuring me that the situation was not my fault. You advised me to see my GP and to reach out to my family and old friends, saying they would want to hear from me and that I needed human connections in order to change things.

You also sent me your support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker.

Finally, you gently suggested I might need to think about exiting my marriage.

I’ve started saving up so I can eventually leave, and I’ve joined some local groups to make friends.

Thank you, Deidre, for making me see I deserve better and have a future.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so glad you’re no longer resigned to a life of misery. I hope things continue to get better for you.

TOXIC MOTHER HARMING MY KIDS LIKE SHE DID WITH ME

DEAR DEIDRE: IS it time for me to cut my toxic mother out of my life for good?

She has always bullied me and her behaviour is now affecting my kids, too.

Last time we visited, she kicked us out of her house!

I’m 38 and have three young children. My own childhood was miserable because she was so cruel.

She made me feel useless, stupid and ugly. My older sister, on the other hand, could do no wrong.

I left home at 16 because I couldn’t stand it any more, and I’ve been independent ever since. But I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with her.

I guess I’m always hoping she’ll see I’m a good person who has made a success of my life and start being kinder. I’m jealous of my friends who have good, loving relationships with their mums.

Last weekend, I took my children to visit her for her birthday. We made an effort to look nice and brought gifts.

Within a few hours, she was being nasty, making racist remarks – one of my kids is mixed race – and had my youngest in tears. When I finally stood up to her, she threw us out of her house, saying we were trash.

I’ve realised she is evil and will never change. I don’t want her to destroy my children’s self-esteem the way she destroyed mine.

Would it be wrong for me to break off contact for good?

DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve tried again and again to win your mother’s love and respect.

In return, she’s treated you – and now your kids – appallingly.

None of this is your fault. You’re a strong, capable woman, in spite of her.

Perhaps it’s time to accept she won’t change and that you’ll never have the relationship you crave.

Talking to a counsellor about this may help you to make a decision. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains further.

Get more advice from Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666).