DEAR DEIDRE: MY secret lover is being treated for cancer and I’m heartbroken that I can’t visit him.
This is not your usual seedy affair. We met through work ten years ago and this man has been the love of my life, my soulmate, ever since. I’m 45 and he’s 56.
During our decade together, he has married his wife, with whom he has three children.
But we speak or see each other every day. It’s not just physical, even though the intimate side of our relationship is electric.
After sex, we often lie in each other’s arms for hours, softly laughing and kissing, until he has to leave.
We love each other.
But I was the person who told him to see the doctor. I was kissing his shoulder and I noticed a mole looked red and raised.
He said he hadn’t been aware of it but I don’t know why his wife hadn’t noticed it.
Following tests, he made a brief phone call to me, saying he’d been admitted to hospital with stage-three skin cancer.
Since then, I’ve heard nothing. I’m in pieces — I don’t know how to get news on how he is.
I can’t visit him in case I bump into his wife and kids.
I can’t ask our HR team for too many updates without them suspecting we’re more than just colleagues — workplace relationships aren’t allowed.
I’m in limbo.
My friends aren’t sympathetic because they say he has strung me along for years. But I know he loves me.
My worst fear is that he will die, and I won’t know until it’s too late to go to his funeral.
What can I do?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Let’s start with the good news. It’s excellent that you noticed the mole and encouraged him to get it checked.
Sadly, skin-cancer rates are rising in the UK. And melanoma, the dead-liest form of it, is the fifth most common cancer in the UK.
Over the past decade, melanoma skin cancer incidence rates have increased by 32 per cent. You might very well have saved his life.
Now for the bad news. It doesn’t seem like he wants to spend that life with you.
While you waited for your next snatched moment together, he married and had three children with someone else.
You believe he’s your soulmate – but would he agree?
Life-threatening illnesses often cause people to take stock. I suggest you do the same.
It’s time to look for a new partner, one who will want you by their side every moment of their life, good and bad.
Please read my support pack, Your Lover Not Free? to help you see things more clearly.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I’VE LISTED ALL OF HER SEXCUSES
DEAR DEIDRE: AM I being paranoid by thinking my girlfriend makes up reasons not to sleep with me?
We’re both 28 and have been dating for two years. Six months ago we moved in together. Since then, we’ve only had sex on 12 occasions.
The rest of the time, she makes excuses. I’ve started keeping a list.
She has not wanted sex for the following reasons: Headache, backache, bloating, tiredness, alcohol, a sore knee, constipation, work stress, mosquitoes, bread and wanting to watch Clarkson’s Farm.
Early on, our sex life was spectacular. My girlfriend used to be adventurous and would often surprise me with a new technique or position.
She was the most exciting woman I’d ever met and would do daring things like treat me to oral in the cinema, or fondle me while I drove.
I expected the sex to get even wilder when we shared a home. My girlfriend is a high-earner so our new apartment has a balcony and a Jacuzzi bath.
I had high hopes for the spicy action we would enjoy in both those locations, but sadly the only sex has been a rushed missionary session in bed.
I’ve tried to show my affection by helping her with housework, or suggesting we order in a takeaway, but she seems permanently grumpy.
It’s making me feel rejected and resentful. It’s like she pretended to be someone else for the first part of our relationship.
DEIDRE SAYS: Destroy that list. She is not a malfunctioning sex bot. She’s a real person with real feelings, and I suspect your entitlement might be the real turn-off here.
When I look at her reasons for not wanting sex, I see an exhausted, overwhelmed person who is eating big dinners (like your takeaways) and probably doesn’t feel relaxed and playful.
You say you “help” with house-work. Instead of helping, why not do at least half of it? She’s more likely to see the erotic potential of a Jacuzzi bath when she’s not the only one scrubbing it.
I understand that your desire for sex goes beyond a physical urge. You want to feel close, connected and loved. But so does she. Unlike men, women often need to feel those emotions before they head to bed, and not afterwards.
You see she’s grumpy so ask why. Clean the house, book a date night, talk and turn off the TV. Become a warm, loving partner and your adventurous girlfriend will return.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: I WANT to move in with my boyfriend, but I’m scared my son’s behaviour will drive us apart.
My son is nine and I’m 34. My boyfriend is 37 and lives with his teenage daughter.
Even though he can be funny and loving, my son has always been a handful.
When he was a toddler, I would get calls from his childminder to say he’d been fighting or shouting at other kids. He would never sit still and easily lost his temper.
My son was six when I split up from his dad and became a single mum.
I’ve struggled to cope. I find myself giving in to whatever my son wants, just for an easier life.
Now, he calls me names, insults me, and helps himself to anything he wants from the kitchen or my handbag. When he’s happy, he’s great company. But then a switch will flip and he’ll be spiteful or break something.
His dad has a new family now and rarely sees him.
My new boyfriend and I met a year ago through a dating app for single parents. I immediately liked how hands-on he was as a parent, having his daughter three or four nights every week.
My boyfriend wants me and my son to move in. I’d love to, but I have hidden the worst of my son’s behaviour from him. When my boyfriend sees what my son can be like, I’m scared he’ll lose interest in both of us. I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: The more positive role models your son has in his life, the better. Long-term, your boyfriend could be an excellent influence.
In the short term, I’d focus on getting your son more support, rather than any more change.
Has his school ever suggested an assessment for ADHD or autism?
Some of his behaviour could suggest he’s neurodivergent, so that might be a sensible first step.
Find a club he might be interested in, such as martial arts or Cubs, to give him the opportunity to make friends outside of his school classroom.
At home, set boundaries and a routine that you can both stick to. Reward him for good behaviour.
HAUNTED BY OVERDOSING FEARS
DEAR DEIDRE: THE only way to find peace from my drug-addict boyfriend was to leave him, move away and switch off my phone.
Now I’m haunted by fears of him overdosing.
I’m 23, he’s 27 and we were great together for three years. But his recreational drug use crept up until he was doing very hard drugs.
I tried to get him help, but he would skip hospital or counselling appointments to hang out with his dealer.
Finally, I snapped. I moved away, leaving him and everyone I knew behind. I switched off my phone to stop him calling. I know I made the right move, but who will ensure he is safe now?
DEIDRE SAYS: It was his choice to ignore your help. I understand your fears but his health isn’t your responsibility.
Talking about your worries can help a lot.
Family-action.org.uk – 0808 802 6666 – provides a free listening ear for family and relationship problems. You could also contact nar-anon.co.uk, for people affected by a partner’s drug abuse.
Can I sue hospital?
DEAR DEIDRE: I GOT laughed out of A&E for a “superficial cut” – then had my arm amputated for gangrene.
Can I sue the hospital?
I sliced my little finger on a veg knife. The cut didn’t heal, and after a few days I couldn’t sleep because it was throbbing so badly.
Panicking, I drove myself to A&E. After a long wait, I got laughed at by a doctor, who told me: “Try a plaster.”
When I insisted something was wrong, he called security to escort me out.
The cut got worse and I ended up developing gan-grene. I had to have the arm amputated above the elbow.
I’m still in pain, I’ve lost my job and my mental health has really suffered.
Can I take legal action?
DEIDRE SAYS: That is a tragic tale. You might have grounds to sue. The first step would be to contact The Patients Association (patients-association.org.uk) where you can speak to a trained adviser.
You can also get useful information on how to make a complaint, through the Patient Advice and Liaison Service, PALS, via nhs.uk.
