DEAR DEIDRE: THE nosiest neighbour in town told me something no woman wants to hear – my husband is cheating.
She was almost gleeful as she knocked on my door last week. My husband was at a physio session.
This woman is elderly and a real curtain-twitcher.
She couldn’t wait to inform me that my husband’s colleague had been staying over whenever I was away. She showed me photos she’d taken of her leaving our house.
Now my head is spinning.
We’ve had a few incidents with this neighbour before. She knocks on the door with a parcel she has taken in, but always seems to know what the contents are.
Once I caught her reading a letter she had fished out of our bin. She said she was looking for space because her “bin was full”.
But has she actually done me a favour?
My husband went back to work a year after a car accident.
His employer allowed him to make a phased return. He hasn’t been up to driving yet, so after a week of getting the bus into town, a new colleague offered to pick him up.
He’s 45 and he told me she was 25. I had no objections.
I thought it was kind of her to volunteer to give him a lift. I’m 42 and my job takes me all over the country so I’m often away overnight.
Because of his injuries, we’ve not had sex for months — and now I find out he’s giving it to someone else.
I don’t know how to even tackle the conversation with him.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I’m afraid you don’t have a choice – you have to talk to him. Find a quiet moment to tell him what the neighbour showed you and listen carefully to his response.
If this woman has been staying over, he has a lot of explaining to do.
If he is remorseful, only you can decide if you are prepared to work on your relationship and forgive him.
He has hurt you so he will have to prove himself for any trust to return.
Please don’t allow him to pull the wool over your eyes with some ridiculous explanation.
There really isn’t any genuine innocent reason why this woman should have stayed overnight in your home, with your husband, without your prior knowledge.
Talking to a counsellor in a safe space can be beneficial.
My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
SHOULD I END IT WITH LAZY OVERSEAS ONLINE GUY?
DEAR DEIDRE: ALL my energy is being sapped by my long-distance relationship. My boyfriend is rubbish.
I’m a woman of 27 and I met him online five years ago. I am American and I came to the UK to do a masters degree.
Before I left the States, I met a man of 30 online from a different state. We never actually met before I came away to study.
The relationship started out as chat and then it became sexual. He would ask me to send explicit photographs, which I did. We had video sex once too.
Since then the relationship hasn’t progressed. He shows no sign of wanting to meet me. He doesn’t support me financially or emotionally. He doesn’t even answer or return my calls. It’s all on his terms. Should I walk away?
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes. He is bringing nothing to the table and while you can’t expect financial support from him, it would be good to know if he sees a future with you.
You could ask him, but don’t hold your breath. It sounds as if you’re an online booty call for him.
It is always better if you can find somebody local where there is a mutual interest but it’s not always easy.
If you find someone new, really get to know them so you can be certain they want the same things as you do, and as a rule of thumb – don’t send any photograph that you wouldn’t be happy for your parents to see.
MY WIFE’S STOPPED ENJOYING SEX NOW
DEAR DEIDRE: I STILL have regular sex with my wife but it’s a long time since she’s had an orgasm.
In our younger years we used to be sex-mad.
We are both 61 now and my wife often seems to want physical intimacy when I do – she doesn’t turn me down when I initiate it anyway.
But she doesn’t seem to enjoy it as she used to. It’s a case of her enduring it rather than liking it.
We still enjoy doing things together, going on nice holidays and watching films with each other. We cuddle and hold hands.
I’ve asked her about sex and whether she enjoys it but she says: “It’s OK.”
I want to make her feel like she did when we were in our twenties.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is good for you physically and mentally to have sex for as long as you can. You’re both in your early 60s and there’s no reason why this should stop.
Your wife may not feel physically the same and it may take her a little longer to get aroused because of her age and the menopause.
Kissing, caressing, and massage can all help her to feel good and it’s important to not have sex until she’s ready.
Use lubrication if that helps.
My support pack Love And The Mature Woman will offer advice, along with one called Helping Your Partner To Orgasm.
I’M ADDICTED TO BUYING THINGS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY online shopping habit is completely out of control even though I live off my pension.
I’m a man of 56 and I live alone. I’ve never had a relationship with anyone – ever.
When I went to my nephew’s wedding, I wore a three-piece suit I’d had for years. I guess it would be considered “vintage”. I was getting lots of compliments from men and women, saying I looked “sharp” or “cool”. It gave me such a buzz.
The attention felt so good. I’d never thought about my appearance or been interested in clothes so much, so I started shopping on my tablet.
It seemed so easy. I bought a few items and then I went to a barbers and had a haircut. They suggested I grow my facial hair into a “trendy beard with a spaghetti moustache” – so I did it!
I went to my local social club and had such a nice time talking to people and feel I’ve reinvented myself. The attention just keeps on coming and I’m having the time of my life.
It all comes at a cost though and my credit card bill is now massive. I know that I have got to stop but I feel that I’m addicted to improving my image.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ll need to try to pay off some of your credit card but without an income, it might prove difficult.
To make a dent in your debts, make a concerted effort to sell some things you no longer need. There are lots of different auction sites.
Ask a friend or relative to help you if you’re not sure how to go about it.
My support pack Solving Debt Problems will show you where to find free assistance to help you get this sorted out.
You can find further support through Action On Addiction, who can advise you about shopping problems too and assist you in getting the right help (takingactiononaddiction.org.uk).
