DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING an affair with my wife’s sister was thrilling, until she announced she was pregnant.
Now I’m terrified the truth will come out, and my life will implode.
What should I do?
I’m 37 and my wife is 33. We’ve been married for seven years and have a young son.
When my wife and I first met, her sister, who is 27, lived away, and their age gap means they’ve never been particularly close.
But last year, the sister got a job locally. As rent is so expensive, she asked if she could stay with us.
My wife and I agreed, on condition that she would babysit sometimes.
When she moved in, I was struck by how attractive she is and how much she reminded me of my wife when we were first together, before we started bickering.
Sometimes, my wife would go to bed, and we would sit up chatting over a bottle of wine. One night, my wife and I had a big row over money, and her sister overheard.
Later, I confessed our marital woes to her. She told me her sister didn’t deserve me and leaned towards me for a hug.
We found ourselves kissing passionately, and ended up having sex on the sofa.
After that, we started a full-blown affair.
Knowing it was wrong, and the consequences of being caught, made it feel exciting and dangerous.
We carried on sleeping together after she moved out, into her own flat.
But last weekend, she messaged to say she needed to see me urgently. Then she told me she is pregnant.
She is going to have the baby. Nothing I could say would change her mind.
She says she’ll tell her sister a random guy is the dad. But I know I’ll have to support the child financially. And how can I pretend the baby isn’t mine?
What should I do?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You know you’ve done a foolish thing and you can’t undo it.
But you haven’t just had an affair. You’ve cheated on your wife with her own flesh and blood.
Your second baby, if male, will also be your nephew, your wife’s nephew, and your son’s half-brother, as well as his cousin.
Pretending it belongs to a random father will neither work, nor be fair.
Perhaps the best option is to come clean to your wife.
Yes, she will be devastated at the double betrayal, and your marriage (and her relationship with her sister) might not survive.
At least if the truth is out in the open, you won’t have to live a lie.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, may be helpful, if your wife can forgive you.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH DEAL WITH LONELINESS
DEAR DEIDRE: LONELINESS had ground me down so much that I couldn’t see how life would improve, but then I wrote to you.
I still lived at home with my parents, despite being 34, and I had no social life. I had always found it hard to make friends, hated my menial desk job and had no luck with women.
The final straw was being friend-zoned by a woman at work, who I really liked, when I expressed an interest.
I felt dejected, alone and hopeless.
You were so kind and really took time to help me. Believing I sounded depressed, you recommended that I talk to my GP.
You also suggested I read your support packs, Dealing With Depression, Finding The Love Of Your Life, and Widening Your Social Scene.
The fact you asked me to keep in touch and let you know how I got on really touched me.
Following your advice, I arranged counselling sessions and am trying some new hobbies, such as padel.
I also applied for some new jobs, and have an interview coming up.
Unfortunately, I lost the friendship with the woman I liked, as she has avoided me ever since I asked her out. Although I’m still sad about that, I do feel so much more positive about my future.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so glad you’ve made positive changes in your life and that things have improved. As for the woman, time will heal.
FED UP BUT ALSO WORRIED ABOUT ABUSIVE ADULT SON
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of abuse from my adult son, I’ve had enough and asked him to leave.
But he has mental health issues and I’m worried he’ll harm himself.
I’m a 60-year-old single woman, and he is 33 – but still lives at home.
He has never been able to hold down a job for more than a few months, and drinks far too much.
His last girlfriend was years ago, and he has driven away most of his friends.
Although I’ve tried to help him in every way I can, nothing works.
When I have managed to persuade him to seek help for his depression, he doesn’t follow through on treatment.
He stopped taking his prescribed medication and gave up on counselling after a few sessions.
Even though I let him live with me for free, he uses me as his punch bag.
He calls me horrible names, says I’m a terrible mother, swears and throws things. A few days ago, he didn’t like the dinner I cooked, saying it wasn’t what he fancied eating.
I told him I wasn’t his servant, and this led to an explosion of rage. I was scared for my life.
So, I told him I’d had enough and it was time for him to go.
Since then, I haven’t heard from him. Now I’m terrified of what he might do and feel so guilty.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have no reason to feel guilty. You’ve gone out of your way to support your son, both practically and emotionally.
But he is an adult and he has rejected your help, and everyone else’s. That’s on him, not you.
Perhaps this is the wake-up call he needed to try to sort himself out.
You’re clearly at the end of your tether, and need support too. Contact PEGS (pegsupport.co.uk), an organisation that helps parents who have been abused by a child.
My support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker, may also help.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend looked up other girls, including his ex, on Instagram and it’s made me feel really insecure.
He said he only pulled up her profile because he meant to block her, but then he forgot. I’m not sure if it’s really naive to believe him?
We’re both 18 and have been seeing each other for a year.
When I was bored one day I had a look through his search history and that’s how I saw he was looking at other girls’ accounts and pictures.
Does this mean he is planning to cheat, or that he has already cheated?
DEIDRE SAYS: Looking at other girls’ pictures doesn’t mean he is a cheat.
It’s natural to be curious about exes and even people who are in relationships like to see attractive people. If you’re feeling insecure, talk to him. Let him reassure you you’re the one he wants.
My support pack, Learning About Relationships, should be of help.
Girlfriend annoyed at porn habit
DEAR DEIDRE: LIKE most guys in their twenties, I follow women on OnlyFans and I’ll admit I’m partial to watching porn. I find it relieves stress.
But my girlfriend gets really annoyed at me and doesn’t stop going on about it. I’ve told her she’s overreacting and that I don’t have a problem, I’m just a normal red-blooded guy.
It doesn’t mean I don’t also enjoy sex with her.
In fact, we have a very healthy sex life, still doing it virtually every day, despite having been together for four years.
I think she wants me to delete my accounts and stop watching porn for her. She says I would do this if I really loved her. That feels like emotional blackmail.
Now I am worried that this issue is going to break us up if we can’t resolve it. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Women often feel insecure when men watch porn, especially as the women portrayed – and the acts performed on screen – usually don’t reflect the way normal women look, or a typical couple’s sex life.
She’s wrong to emotionally blackmail you. But if she is this unhappy about your viewing habits, I’d say there is a problem.
Perhaps you’re watching more porn than you’ll admit, or your demands in bed have changed.
Maybe, compromising – cutting down a little – will show her you care and are capable of doing so.
If you love her, you need to reassure her that she’s enough for you. Read my support pack, Upset About Pornography, for more information on how this issue can affect relationships.
