CHELSEA are the actual champions of the world, despite having not finished in the Premier League’s top two for any of the last eight seasons.
Chelsea are champions of the world, despite having not won a domestic trophy for seven years.
Chelsea are champions of the world, despite the Club World Cup not including the champions of England, Spain or Italy – Liverpool, Barcelona and Napoli.
And despite Chelsea having qualified for this thing by virtue of winning the 2021 Champions League, under the ownership of Roman Abramovich and the leadership of Thomas Tuchel, with an entirely different squad, save for Donald Trump’s new best friend Reece James.
Chelsea might also be champions of Saturn, given that Trump and FIFA overlord Gianni Infantino seemed to present them with a golden replica of that planet after Sunday’s 3-0 victory over Paris St Germain.
The Blues didn’t beat any serious contender at the Club World Cup until that extraordinary demolition of the European champions – playing three clubs from Brazil (losing once), one from Tunisia, one from the MLS, as well as defeating 10-man Benfica in extra-time.
And yet here we are, with Chelsea global champions of the global game and with nobody, not even Chelsea, having the slightest clue what to make of it all.
Does this elevate Chelsea’s owners Todd Boehly and Behdad Eghbali to genius level?
Well, the basic business model required to rule the footballing world is now clear and simple – keep signing Brighton’s best players and keep offloading your deadwood on Arsenal.
Five of the starting eleven who thrashed PSG had previously played for Brighton – Robert Sanchez, Marc Cucurella, Moises Caicedo and Joao Pedro, as well as Levi Colwill who was loaned to the Seagulls.
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The £87million prize money Chelsea earned in the United States should be enough to sign at least two of Kaoru Mitoma, Pervis Estupinan and John Paul van Hecke.
Wouldn’t it have been easier and less expensive for Boehly’s crew to have bought Brighton and made them world champions instead?
Meanwhile, Noni Madueke narrowly missed out on being a world champion when he was sent down the waste disposal chute to the Emirates, along with Kepa Arrizabalaga – a route previously travelled by Kai Havertz, Jorginho, Raheem Sterling (loan) as well as Willian, David Luiz and Petr Cech in the late Abramovich era.
But are Chelsea really any good? Until Sunday night the answer appeared to be ‘no, not really’.
And yet the hammering of PSG in New York was genuinely brilliant – with Cole Palmer fully re-emerging from his slump with two glorious finishes and an equally sublime assist for Joao Pedro.
PSG’s previous four results against European opposition had read Real Madrid (4-0), Bayern Munich (2-0), Atletico Madrid (4-0) and Inter Milan (5-0 in the Champions League Final).
Yet Chelsea shredded them to ribbons inside 45 minutes.
The pantomime provided by Luis Enrique completely losing his shizzle at the final whistle, Cucurella having his hair pulled and Trump gatecrashing the trophy celebrations added to the weird theatre of FIFA’s new jamboree.
Palmer was a late, opportunist piece of business when signed from Manchester City two summers ago but is now a Ballon d’Or contender and one of the most compelling and strangely likeable blokes in the game.
The signings of Pedro and Liam Delap will lessen the goalscoring burden on Palmer and presumably lead to loose-cannon Nicolas Jackson heading to Arsenal – which isn’t a new transfer rumour, just an educated guess.
Chelsea’s policy of signing shedloads of young players on long contracts has seen plenty of expensive blunders – Mykhailo Mudryk (£62m and facing a four-year drug ban), Joao Felix (signed twice for a combined £52m), Christopher Nkunku (£52m and rarely fit), Romeo Lavia (£53m and rarely fit), along with £50m on a post-sell-by-date Sterling.
And how would the Blues ever balance the books and come close to complying with PSR regulations without the existence of Arsenal?
Still, Enzo Maresca has the core of a very good team, as seen in the Big Apple.
They have now won two trophies in six and a half weeks – along with the Europa Conference League, another new bauble nobody knows how to quantify.
So can Chelsea build on this and actually compete for the Premier League title when they haven’t even gone close to doing so for so long – their last eight finishes being fourth, sixth, 12th, third, fourth, fourth, third and fifth?
Given that they will start this season knackered, it is unlikely. With one month to go until the new campaign, everyone else is rested.
Chelsea’s exertions in the American heat will have a major impact at some point.
And what of the Club World Cup?
Would PSG swap it for the Champions League? No.
But would future European champions prioritise it? Quite possibly.
This thing will catch on and end up being bigger than the Champions League as long as FIFA keep throwing billions at it.
And so long as they make the qualifying criteria more logical, as well as solving the increasing problem of extreme burn-out among elite players.
Previous versions of the Club World Cup could never be taken very seriously but Chelsea will probably end up being regarded as its first ‘proper’ champions.
Champions of the world, champions of Saturn, champions of the whole solar system, unless the Saudis take over a crack Martian outfit.
But will Chelsea be champions of England or Europe again any time soon?
Baz-bore
THE time-wasting aggro at the end of the day three provided the needle which helped make the Third Test at Lord’s an all-time classic.
Opener Zak Crawley feigned injury, employing extreme delaying tactics which meant India would bowl only one over at the start of England’s second innings on Saturday evening.
India skipper Shubman Gill, who’d had a deep-tissue massage in the middle earlier in the match, provided a pot-kettle moment by urging Crawley to ‘grow some f***ing balls’.
England bowling coach Tim Southee then sarcastically commented that Crawley’s fitness would be assessed overnight.
All good fun until you consider the idea of actively taking the piddle out of paying punters who had paid through their noses to be at Lord’s and had suffered funereal over rates for the entire match.
There had already been delays due to an attack of ladybirds, a misbehaving TV spidercam, red baseball caps worn behind the bowler’s arm and so many drinks breaks you thought you were attending a bottomless brunch rather than a game of cricket.
Bazball was supposed to speed up the Test game and thrill the crowds. This was decidedly off-message.
Eagles Ostracized
CRYSTAL PALACE have fallen victims of an inconsistent jobsworthery from Uefa in being relegated from the Europa League to the Conference League.
The beneficiaries will be Nottingham Forest, whose ‘previous’ owner Evangelos Marinakis, sorted out similar Uefa concerns over dual ownership of clubs by placing his Forest shares in a ‘blind trust’ and declaring himself no longer a ‘person with significant control’.
So we look forward to the big Greek fella being entirely insignificant, and as quiet as a mouse, at the City Ground next season.
