DEAR DEIDRE: I SUFFER with painful knees and back pain – and I think it is because I pleasure myself too much.
I am a 42-year-old man.
My wife is 39 and we have been married for almost 18 years.
My wife moved back to India three years ago with our two children, and I made the difficult decision to stay in the UK and work as a delivery driver.
I send as much money to my wife as I can.
It means I cannot afford to visit home very often and I feel lonely.
To relieve sexual tension, I pleasure myself at least once a day.
I am worried my wife will know the reason for the pain is because I masturbate.
As much as I enjoy it, I can’t help feeling guilty. And I worry what my wife will say when I next see her.
I never mention the pain to her when we talk on the phone or FaceTime.
I just pretend everything is OK.
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t feel guilty.
It’s normal to masturbate regularly.
Many people feel uncomfortable about self-pleasure because of conservative childhoods or cultural differences.
You won’t cause any harm to your body.
Masturbating can actually help to prevent prostate problems and alleviate stress.
The pains are likely to be as a result of your sedentary job or the way you sit.
Do talk to your GP, rather than struggle on alone.
My support pack, Worried About Masturbation? will reassure you.
Devastated he’s not my real dad
DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING out that the man I called Dad is, in fact, my stepdad came as a huge shock to me.
I only discovered the truth when I had to get a passport.
I’m an 18-year-old woman, I have a younger sister and an older brother.
Never did I think that my summer holiday plans would lead to this life-changing revelation.
When my best friend and her parents invited me to their holiday home in France later this year, I realised I’d need a passport for the first time.
When I asked Dad for my birth certificate, he went quiet then told me he needed to tell me something.
Taking a deep breath, he explained how he had split up with Mum when my brother was two years old.
During their time apart, my mum started seeing someone else.
She became pregnant but the man she was with insisted she had a termination.
Mum refused and they split up.
I was born a few months later and she ended up getting back with Dad.
They went on to have my sister a few years later.
My siblings don’t look like me but I had never really thought about it.
Dad told me that he has brought me up as his own and treated me the same as my siblings, which is true.
But I am so upset about it all.
I’ve always been so close to my dad.
I keep bursting into tears and can’t focus on anything.
I don’t even want to go on holiday now. I just can’t think straight.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You have had a big shock that has turned your life upside down.
But please be assured, the man you call Dad is your dad in every way that matters.
That is not going to change.
You need to talk to your mum and dad about how finding out about this is making you feel.
Secrets in families can be very damaging and it is a shame that you had to find out about it this way.
It sounds as if your parents were trying to protect you.
But we know it’s best for children to learn about complex family dynamics in an age-appropriate way when they are still young.
Your dad chose to make you his child.
He has loved and cared for you and looked after you too.
You can all find support at PAC-UK, which helps with the similar issue of adoption (0300 1800 090, pac-uk.org).
And stick to your holiday plans with your friend because you will come to terms with this news in time.
MY AGE-GAP LIE COULD FINISH US
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my girlfriend told me she was 33, I lied to her and told her I was 32. I’m actually 23.
She has no idea that I am much younger than her – she doesn’t suspect a thing.
We met in a pub on a night out and I found her very easy to talk to.
Now we have been together for almost six months, have been on lots of dates, and have spent several weekends with each other.
As we are getting on so well, we have been talking about the future and have discussed marriage and children – the lot.
I am starting to feel guilty and worried about how she might react if I tell her the truth about my age.
I know I can’t keep it a secret from her for ever.
She wants to meet my family, which is a concern, and I worry that my parents won’t approve of her because she is older.
Should I tell her the truth?
Will the age gap be a problem for us?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve got to tell her but I can imagine how hard it will be to admit you weren’t truthful.
Tell her you love her and explain why you lied in the first place.
If your love is strong enough, your age should not be a big problem.
It’s the deceit and lying you have to explain.
My support pack, Age Gaps – Do They Matter? might be useful.
Your parents should accept your relationship if you’re confident and serious about each other.
SHE BEAT ME UP BUT NOW WANTS US TO TRY AGAIN
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has left me with so many cuts and bruises that I look like I’ve been in a boxing match.
I am 25 and my girlfriend is 22.
We had been together for almost a year until she accused me of cheating and ended our relationship.
I was gutted because it simply isn’t true.
We managed to sort things out and got back together again.
Everything seemed to be going well until we went to her house and she realised she’d left a bag of clothes at my flat.
She wanted me to go back to fetch them but I refused.
She went crazy and started punching and scratching my face and neck.
I left in a daze and thought that our relationship was over again but she texted me a couple of hours later telling me how sorry she was and admitting she was out of control.
She asked me if we could get back together.
I was surprised to hear from her so quickly because I was in shock at how violent she had been towards me and I told her I needed time.
I also told her that my face was a complete mess.
I do love her but I know deep down that the way she is treating me is not OK.
I really don’t know what to do.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your health and wellbeing should never be at risk in any relationship.
Your girlfriend sounds unpredictable and violent.
She caused you bodily harm and is being abusive towards you.
Please don’t stay with this woman a minute longer.
Abuse is usually repeated and tends to get worse.
You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you, not treat you so badly and hurt you like this.
- For confidential support, contact ManKind Initiative, which supports men who have experienced domestic abuse (0808 800 1170, mankind.org.uk).
