DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover visits me every Thursday or Friday, late afternoon. We have sex and then he carries on his merry way back to his wife.
He tells me he loves me and sounds genuine but after three years, I am starting to tire of this arrangement.
I am 39 and he is 45. He has been married for 18 years but says that, despite the fact he and his wife are no more than friends, he would feel too guilty to leave her.
He is an HGV driver and regularly stops in the lorry park where I have a mobile burger van.
We used to swap banter while he stopped to eat and one time he suggested we go for a drink.
There was a pub just up the road, so we went there.
The next time we met up he came back to my flat.
We discovered that we are compatible when it comes to sex and instantly gelled.
No matter what his working week is like, he always makes sure he calls at my flat before he returns to his wife for the weekend. The sex is awesome; he is a thoughtful lover.
I convince myself things will work out with him in the end.
However, I have been waiting for him to sort his life out for almost three years now.
He promises me we will be together soon and that we can have a fantastic life, but it is just words because nothing changes.
He hates it when I tell him my plans for the weekend.
He doesn’t like me going out with my friends even though he admits that he has got no right to expect me to live like a hermit.
Is it time to end things even though I know how much it will hurt me to do so?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your lover’s marriage might be one of friendship, but he shows no signs of leaving his wife for you, despite his promises.
Tell him to focus on his marriage and work out what he wants.
Perhaps give him a deadline and don’t spend your entire life waiting around for him now.
You can find someone to love you who is free to be with you – it’s really what you deserve.
But first you must end this affair. It will be tough, but you have no future together.
Improve your social life, get out there and meet men who are free.
My support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
MY ROTTEN TEETH ARE A TURNOFF
DEAR DEIDRE: MY horrible teeth are scaring women away. I rarely get a second date even though I have no trouble meeting women through dating apps.
I am a 36-year-old man. I go to the gym to keep myself toned. I’m not that bad looking until I open my mouth.
It is so awful. I have a couple of chipped and broken teeth and some of them are discoloured and misaligned too.
I will chat to women and get on well with them while we message but when we meet up, I can tell immediately that the spark isn’t there for them.
I am terrified of the dentist but can’t carry on like this because I am totally miserable. I am ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone look in my mouth.
It has gone on so long and my teeth are getting worse.
I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. It really is soul-destroying.
DEIDRE SAYS:
There is no need for you to suffer a minute longer. Dentists are trained to be sympathetic, not to judge you.
It is important you seek professional help because this issue will only get worse.
Take a look at Dental Phobia (dentalphobia.co.uk) who have a guide Overcoming Dental Fear you can download.
Think ahead and imagine how relieved you will feel when you have got the treatment you desperately need and can start to date with confidence.
REFUSING TO START FAMILY
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM desperate to have a baby after waiting years for my husband to say he is ready for us to start a family.
I am 34 and my husband is 35. We’ve been married for five years.
A year into our marriage he agreed to try, but then when I discussed coming off The Pill with him he said to leave it a month or two.
He admitted he wasn’t “quite ready”. I agreed to not mention it again for a while, but I don’t understand what he is waiting for.
Now a couple of years have gone by, and I am still waiting. We own a house together, our jobs are secure, and our relationship is good. I thought it would be the perfect time.
My husband loves children and is brilliant with his nieces and nephews. I don’t want to have a baby unless my husband wants it, too.
I am trying to be understanding but my resentment is starting to drive a wedge between us. Why doesn’t he want to start a family with me?
DEIDRE SAYS: You are going to have to bring it up again in a calm moment because your husband is unlikely to.
His attitude towards starting a family could be tied up with difficult experiences.
Perhaps he had problems with his own dad and is scared that history will repeat itself?
If you both want a family, it is time to start talking honestly but if he is adamant about never having children then I’m afraid you may have a difficult decision to make.
HIS MUM WON’T GIVE US SPACE
DEAR DEIDRE: IT appears my boyfriend’s mum will always be the main woman in his life. She is like the third wheel in my relationship.
I am 27 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for almost two years.
My boyfriend was brought up by his mum after his dad died when he was only ten.
As a result, he and his mum are very close, which I completely understand.
However, if we go out anywhere, to the cinema, bowling alley, dinner or just for a drink, my boyfriend always calls his mum to say where we are going. It is infuriating.
It has got to the stage that if we go out for the day, a trip to the seaside or an adventure park, his mum comes along too. We have just bought our first flat, which needs a lot of work so there is plenty for us to do.
His mum calls every weekend to say she has some DIY she needs help with, or something has gone wrong with her car, knowing that my boyfriend will drop everything to help her.
Sometimes he can be gone for the rest of the day. Recently I picked her up late from the hairdressers.
She told my boyfriend that I drove too fast and almost caused an accident, which was untrue.
My boyfriend went ballistic saying I had stressed her out. I am starting to feel that we are at a breaking point in our relationship.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend became the husband figure after his dad died and has never stepped back.
He formed a deep emotional connection with his mum, which has resulted in his loyalty towards her.
You really must talk to him. Tell him that he must start putting your relationship first and then, put some boundaries in place with his mum, so he can be his own man.
I would also encourage him to talk to a Cruse bereavement counsellor, which will help him deal with his dad’s death too (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677).
