DEAR DEIDRE: MY jealous husband always assumed I was sleeping with other men. So eventually, I did.
I’m 34, my husband is 43. We met through friends 12 years ago.
It was love at first sight for him. I wasn’t so blown away but he eventually persuaded me to go on a date.
That date lasted a whole weekend. We barely left the bedroom and married a year later.
Within a few months of the wedding, he started questioning where I was going. He put tracking apps on my phone and I caught him checking my car’s mileometer when I’d been away to see my mum.
He also stalked my social media, double-checking my locations and zooming in on people in the background of my photos.
His first wife had cheated on him and he feared history would repeat itself.
I tried to reassure him but it never worked. He’d be secure for a while then something tiny — like the sound of my text notification — would set him off.
When our youngest child was five, I was so tired of my husband breathing down my neck that I went back to work.
My new manager was gorgeous. He was the same age as me, single, and we had lively banter.
I was keen to get ahead and not keen to go home, so I often stayed beyond my hours.
One evening, my husband rang me 15 times to check if I was really at work. Hearing all the calls, my manager came to check I was OK — and we ended up on the sofa in his office.
As his mouth moved over my body, the only thought in my mind was, “My husband thinks I’m doing this, so I might as well.”
I do feel guilty but I can’t confess. So, what should I do? Call both relationships off?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: There is a third option. You and your husband could work on his jealousy and try to overcome it for good.
Unfortunately, his doubts and untrusting treatment has prompted the very behaviour he was so threatened by.
As you’ve discovered, the more that you try to explain yourself, the more that your husband will believe his worries are justified.
I’m sending you my support pack Dealing With Jealousy as a starting point. Read it together and decide between you what changes you can put in place.
But you’ll need more help. Counselling could work wonders here. It would be good if you can go either alone or together to discuss how his jealous and insecure attitude is driving you away.
My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains how you can find a reputable therapist.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
BROKEN BY MY WICKED STEPMUM
DEAR DEIDRE: FOR me, life is like the Cinderella fairytale – without the happy ending.
When I was three, my mother died giving birth to my sister. My father quickly married another woman.
She really was an evil stepmother – we were physically and emotionally abused from the start.
This woman begrudged my father spending money on us, so we wore hand-me-down clothes or shoes that were painfully tight.
Her own son was treated like a prince and got everything he wanted.
I left home as soon as I could and brought my sister to live with me when she left school.
But the abuse didn’t stop. My stepmother guilted me into sending money. At first it was small monthly amounts but she soon started demanding large sums that I could barely afford.
She’d blow that money on flash holidays. I kept up a brave face for my sister’s sake – but last year she died in an accident and I can no longer cope.
My stepmother did nothing towards the funeral. I organised everything.
At the wake, my dad stood up and made an unexpected speech. He said he wanted to thank the woman who had arranged the ceremony. I thought he was finally acknowledging me – but he was talking about my stepmum.
Now I’m 25 and broken. I don’t know if I’ll get over my sister’s death and my horrific childhood. Can you help?
DEIDRE SAYS: You have been through a very tough time and the death of your sister must have made you feel even more isolated. It’s not too late to get support in coming to terms with your grief.
The Compassionate Friends (tcf.org.uk, 0345 123 2304) could help. The charity also has a leaflet specifically about losing a sibling.
It sounds like your stepmother has made you into the “black sheep” of the family. She has focused any negativity and ill-feeling on to you in order to deflect it away from herself.
This allows her to feel blameless and is a way for her to strengthen her hold on others.
To better understand this toxic dynamic, read the book Families And How to Survive Them by Dr Robin Skynner and John Cleese, published by Vermilion.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. You can’t choose your family but you can choose who you want in your life.
Don’t be afraid to cut ties. Family is important but your health is your priority.
LEFT HEARTBROKEN AFTER SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE we stopped the “benefits”, I haven’t seen my friend-with-benefits for dust.
We’re both lesbians. I’m 32, she’s 28.
We started dating casually a few months ago but I completely fell for her. She kept dating others and eventually met someone at work that she really liked.
I still believed we’d end up together so I wasn’t too worried, especially as we kept having sex.
But the sex fizzled out and now I hardly hear from her at all. I’m heartbroken. We had always promised that we’d stay friends whatever happened. Was that unrealistic?
DEIDRE SAYS: Are you upset to lose her as a friend? Or were you secretly trying to keep the door to a relationship open? That might explain why you feel heartbroken.
She has moved on and, as hard as that might be to accept, the best thing you can do is to focus on yourself again now.
I’m sending you my support pack called Moving On which has lots of advice on building a positive, happy life.
SEX CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: IS it normal to lose your sex drive after having a baby?
I’m 35 and my husband is 37. We’ve been married for five years and had our longed-for baby son four months ago.
But ever since, I have no libido at all. I shudder when my husband comes near me. It’s starting to affect our relationship.
The path to motherhood has been very traumatic for me. I had four miscarriages before my son.
I also lost a baby girl at 35 weeks with my ex which was devastating. I struggled to recover from it, which is one of the reasons that relationship broke down.
I feel I should be happy now I’m finally a mum. My husband is already a kind, helpful father.
But when he tries to get close to me in bed, it’s like I totally shut down. I really can’t stand him touching me.
Before the baby, we had a great sex life.
I’d love us to get back to that. Is it possible?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s very common for a woman to lose her sex drive after having a baby. Research suggests that only a third of couples resume sex within two months of birth – most couples take three to five months.
It’s even more common when you have experienced loss or trauma in the past.
Even though you’ve now had your baby son, it would still help to talk to someone about your miscarriages, especially the emotional toll they’ve taken.
The Miscarriage Association (miscarriageassociation.org.uk) has a live chat service and a telephone helpline.
There’s no reason why you won’t get back to enjoying a fulfilling sex life with your husband. I’m sending you my support pack called Sex Problems After A Baby.
It goes through all the reasons why you might be experiencing libido loss – from tiredness, to stress, through to hormonal changes – and offers solutions and tips.
The best way to get through this time is to take things very slowly together.
Make sure you keep talking and cuddling to maintain a strong emotional connection.
SHE WANTS TO DUMP ME
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE found out my girlfriend has been asking her friends if she should dump me. That’s not a good sign, is it?
We met at college and have been official for a year. Everything is great, except I have a temper and sometimes say things in the heat of the moment.
We had a huge row last weekend then, this week, she showed me something on her phone and a message flashed up from her group chat.
I read the whole thread. She’d told her friends the angry things I’d said during our row and asked if she should dump me. Most of them said she should.
DEIDRE SAYS: Many people seek outside advice about relationship problems – like you’re doing now. It’s a positive sign because she’s clearly still attached.
Learn to manage your anger. We all get heated but it’s never an excuse to lash out. It could be classed as emotional abuse.
I’m sending you my support pack on Managing Anger. Focus on that, otherwise this pattern will continue into your future relationships.
, girls you stunning” 
