DEAR DEIDRE: MY aunt seduced me when I was 18 and apart from my best friend no one else knows.
We spent a whole summer entangled in her bed. Even though I’d already lost my virginity to a girl from my school, being with her was my real sexual awakening.
She is my dad’s younger sister and I’d gone to live with her as I’d got a temporary job in her city.
We were left to our own devices and we made the most of our freedom.
She is seven years older than me and one of the sexiest women I’ve ever met.
One day, it was so hot and sticky we went down to a local swimming spot. We stripped off and I noticed her checking me out.
That afternoon when we got home, she pounced on me asking to see my chest again.
Within minutes we were having sex on her sofa.
I’ve kept those memories of skinny dipping in the river and having sex anywhere and everywhere all to myself but now I wonder if I should come clean to my wife to be.
I don’t want to have any secrets from her and somehow it seems like I’m lying by keeping this from her – especially as my aunt will be at the wedding and I know my wife-to-be and she will meet.
I’m 29 now and my fiancée is 27. We have a great relationship and I’ve never had any doubts about her but I’m worried this could come between us.
We have spoken about our pasts and I admitted I’d had a crazy summer with a woman a little bit older, but I lied and said I’d met her through my job.
So she knows part of the truth.
After my job finished and I moved back home, my aunt and I agreed that would be the end of our affair.
We didn’t even stay in touch, only catching up at family gatherings.
She is still as stunning as ever. She now has two young daughters and a long term boyfriend and I’d never want to jeopardise that.
This isn’t easy. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: This was no idyllic love affair and while it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you, having a sexual relationship with your aunt, someone you are related to counts as incest. I must let you know that incest is a criminal offence.
You were 18 at the time of this relationship barely an adult and your aunt had a lot more life experience than you.
I’m afraid to say she took advantage of your inexperience and her behaviour could even be considered grooming.
You have a difficult decision to make.
If you tell your wife, it could taint your wedding day and open a whole can of worms.
On the other hand your wife might feel more upset were she to find out from someone else further down the road, although this seems very unlikely as you’ve only ever told your best friend and your aunt has too much to lose to share the truth.
You have a lot to work through and it would really help you if you were to see a counsellor, someone who could help you decide what are your next best steps.
Dear Deidre’s Incest Issues
Deidre’s mailbag is bursting with incest and relationship problems.
One reader struggled to navigate her feelings for her long-lost cousin, while another found himself aroused after seeing sexy videos of his half-sister.
And one man discovered his brother’s sexual fling with their half-sister.
GLOBAL SNAPSHOT: WHERE IS INCEST LEGAL?
Incest laws vary widely across the world — in some places, it’s criminalised even between consenting adults, while in others, it’s legally permitted under certain conditions.
France
Consensual incest is not a criminal offence, though marriage between close relatives is banned.
Spain
Decriminalised consensual incest in 1995. No laws against sexual relations between adult relatives.
Russia
No specific law against consensual incest between adults. Marriage between close relatives is not permitted.
Japan
Incestuous sexual relationships between adults are legal, but marriage is prohibited under the Civil Code.
Brazil
Incest is not criminal unless it involves coercion, minors, or abuse of authority.
Portugal
No legal penalties for consensual incest between adults, though it remains socially taboo.
Turkey
Consensual incest is not criminalised by law, but cultural and religious norms strongly condemn it.
Sweden
Sex between half-siblings is legal. Full siblings may apply to marry with government approval in rare cases.
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Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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