My husband won’t stop looking at explicit pics of women despite knowing it’s destroying my self-esteem

DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband insists looking at pictures of half-naked women is “normal”, but it’s destroying my self-esteem.

It’s not just what he’s looking at that is getting me down, it is that he doesn’t seem to care how it makes me feel.

I’m 42, he’s 46, and we’ve been married for 14 years. We’ve had ups and downs, like any couple, but I always believed we were honest with each other.

I’ve always trusted him, and until now he’s never given me any reason to worry. That was until I glanced at his screen one evening and saw him scrolling through a string of explicit social media profiles.

He knew how much it would hurt me, but carried on drooling over these scantily clad young women.

I’ve always been insecure about my body. After two children and difficult pregnancies, my confidence has taken a real hit.

He knows that I struggle with self-image, and I’ve opened up to him about it so many times.

I told him how comparing myself to younger, perfect-looking women online makes me feel inadequate.

When I confronted him, he just shrugged and said, “All men do it”.

He insists it’s harmless and that it’s got nothing to do with how he feels about me.

But I can’t help feeling dismissed and unseen. Now every time he’s on his phone or laptop, I feel tense. I don’t want to be controlling or insecure, but I feel so low and rejected.

Am I being unreasonable?

DEIDRE SAYS: No, you are being completely reasonable – although your husband doesn’t want you to realise that.

Trust and emotional safety are vital in a relationship, and when one partner knowingly does something that undermines the other’s confidence, it can create a deep emotional wound.

You’ve clearly communicated how this affects your self-worth, and your husband is choosing not to listen.

Try to have another honest conversation, focusing on how it makes you feel rather than what he’s doing.

Speaking about boundaries will help you both understand each other’s needs more clearly and whether he is truly willing to prioritise your emotional wellbeing.

You deserve to feel seen, valued and loved for who you are now – not compared to filtered strangers online.

Read through my support pack, Raising Self-esteem, to help you rebuild confidence.

WIFE GRILLED ME WHEN ALL THE TIME SHE WAS A CHEAT

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER months of accusing me of cheating, it turns out my wife was sneaking around all along.

I’m 44, and she’s 41. We’ve been married for 11 years and have two children.

I’ve never cheated on her, and I’ve bent over backwards to reassure her, even though her suspicion has made me feel like a criminal in my own home.

Last week, I borrowed her iPad to book a hotel for a family trip and found messages she’d forgotten to log out of – explicit ones with a man from her work.

They have been flirting, sexting and arranging to meet for drinks behind my back. I was stunned. The whole time she was pointing fingers at me, she was hiding her own betrayal.

When I confronted her, she claimed it was “just harmless fun”.

Now I feel so hurt and betrayed.

How could she do this?

DEIDRE SAYS: Accusing someone of cheating while doing it yourself is classic distraction.

You’ve done everything to reassure her, and she’s broken your trust.

Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical ones, especially when they’re hidden behind lies. You’re right to feel betrayed.

Decide what you want next, and consider relationship counselling.

My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you process this.

SHE THREW DAD’S ASHES IN TRASH

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my dad died three years ago, I was devastated, but I found comfort knowing he was finally at rest.

Now I’ve discovered my stepmother discarded his ashes like rubbish. I feel sick.

I’m 36. My dad was married to her for seven years after my mum died. We never saw eye to eye.

She was always cold with me and my sister, and she did her best to come in between us and our dad.

After the funeral we drifted further apart and eventually lost contact.

I had always assumed she’d scattered his ashes somewhere meaningful, or at least kept them.

But during a recent conversation with a family friend, I found out she took them to the tip not long after he died. Just threw them out, like he didn’t matter.

I was stunned. No one told us. No ceremony, no goodbye. Nothing.

My dad was a kind, generous man who deserved better. It feels like she erased him, like he was just rubbish to be cleared.

I feel furious and hurt. If I’d known, I would have kept his ashes or scattered them somewhere ­special. I feel robbed of the chance to say goodbye.

Now I lie awake imagining the last of him in some landfill, and it breaks my heart.

DEIDRE SAYS: What your stepmother did is deeply disrespectful. Losing a parent is already hard enough, but finding out his ashes were discarded adds a second wave of grief.

Sadly, you can’t change what’s happened, but you can reclaim your connection to him in your own way. Consider holding your own small mem­orial or visiting a place that was special to him.

Expressing your feelings – whether through talking, writing or counselling – can help process the shock and betrayal.

My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, ought to help you with this.