DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife betrayed me by having an affair and now she is taking me to the cleaners. I don’t recognise the woman she’s become.
She has turned so cruel and cold. Now I’m set to lose everything — my home, money and my kids — while she lives the life of Riley. I don’t know where to turn.
I’m 42 and she’s 40. We’ve been married for 15 years and have three children, aged between eight and 12.
Earlier this year, I discovered she’d been seeing a man she met online.
They were sneaking around, having sex, while I was at work or looking after our children.
I was devastated, but told her I’d forgive her. I didn’t want to break my family apart.
But she wasn’t having it, and asked me to leave our house. “The kids need their mum,” she said.
I’ve had to carry on paying half the mortgage, as well as rent for my own flat — and for all the loans we had taken out together. I’m left with barely enough money to buy food for myself each month.
To add insult to injury, a few weeks after I was forced out, she moved her boyfriend in.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop paying, as I need to support my kids. She says she’ll stop me seeing them if I don’t pay my share. And if I get into debt it will ruin my credit rating too.
Although I have spoken to a solicitor, I can’t afford legal fees, and going to court will take a year.
I feel totally destroyed. All I ever did was love her and my kids. How can she get away with this?
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DEIDRE SAYS: This is a horrible situation and no, it isn’t fair.
She has treated you appallingly but you are doing well to keep your relationship with your children a priority. In the long term, they will thank you for that.
But we have a no-fault divorce system in this country, which means her behaviour – however cruel – has no bearing on financial matters.
Moving her boyfriend in, however, could have an impact on what she is entitled to. Painful as it must be, try to stay focused and practical.
Talk to Both Parents Matter (0300 0300 363, bothparentsmatter.org.uk) for advice on your rights and see moneyhelper.org.uk for information on finances and divorce.
My support pack, Thinking Of Divorce, also contains useful contacts and tips.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
BEST MATE’S UNHEALTHY HABITS SURE TO KILL HIM
DEAR DEIDRE: I FEAR my best friend is heading for an early grave due to his unhealthy lifestyle.
Worryingly, however many times I tell him he needs to change, he says he’s fine. What can I do?
My friend and I are both approaching 60. We met 30 years ago.
He was a fit, handsome guy then. But now he’s overweight, drinks too much and doesn’t get enough sleep.
He still smokes and he lives on microwave meals and takeaways.
His beer gut is so big, it’s hard to hug him. I worry that he’s a heart attack waiting to happen.
When I talk to him about it he gets annoyed and says I shouldn’t try to change him.
Sometimes, I wonder if he’s a bit lonely and depressed. He’s been single since his divorce.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your best friend is an adult and, sadly, you can’t make him change his ways.
All you can do is show him you’re worried about him, and truly care.
It sounds like he’s in denial. Rather than nagging him, take practical measures to support him. Invite him round for healthy food and offer to help him give up smoking.
Perhaps ask him to join you at the gym or a walking club so you get fit together.
If you think he may be depressed, encourage him to see his doctor. My support pack, Help For Your Depression, might also be useful.
SEX WITH HUBBY IS PAINFUL AND DULL
DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my husband now feels like just another unpleasant chore, along with the housework or my tax return. So, I’ve told him I won’t be doing it any more.
I feel guilty but I don’t see why I should have to endure something I don’t enjoy, just to make him happy.
We’re in our late forties and have been married for 20 years. We used to have a healthy sex life, but since perimenopause kicked in for me, it’s been downright painful.
My husband still wants to have sex at least once a week and says it’s important for us to be intimate. But I just don’t feel any emotional connection.
Sex is purely a physical act, for his pleasure – an obligation. But this issue is starting to affect our marriage. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Sex shouldn’t be painful and it shouldn’t feel like a chore.
You need to work together to find a compromise, which may also help to bring you closer.
See your GP about menopause treatments, which should make sex more comfortable, and increase your libido.
Work together to find out what feels good. But the onus shouldn’t be on you to solve this. He needs to respect your feelings too.
Take intercourse off the table while you focus on affection – kissing, cuddling and massaging each other.
Think about having couples counselling.
My support packs, Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive, and Menopause Problems, should help.
HIS MOODINESS UNDERMINES ME
DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I try to be intimate with my boyfriend, he pushes me away.
But the next minute, he’s all over me, telling me how much he loves me and talking about plans for the future. I’m so confused and barely know whether I’m coming or going.
We’ve been seeing each other for two years and are both in our early thirties.
At the start, he was the perfect boyfriend – always complimenting me and wanting to take me out and show me off.
The sex was amazing, it really felt like he couldn’t get enough of me.
Things started going awry when I moved in with him. He started causing arguments about nothing.
Sometimes, he’ll tell me he wasn’t sure about us, and perhaps I should move out.
The next day, he’ll be full of apologies.
He also seems to have gone off sex, except when he wants it. If I come on to him, he rejects me.
I’m left feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. Whatever I do or say seems to be wrong.
I feel so insecure and can’t understand what he wants from me. But I don’t want to leave him and start all over again. I really thought he was the one.
DEIDRE SAYS: He may not intend to hurt you, but his behaviour is emotionally abusive.
He’s made you feel you can no longer be yourself or express what you want. You’re dancing to his tune, according to his moods.
Perhaps he doesn’t know what he wants. But if that’s the case, you both need to talk to improve the relationship, or mutually decide to split.
Read my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, and ask him to be honest with you. If nothing changes, it might be best to walk away.
Starting again won’t be easy but you deserve better than to let a man control and diminish you.
