GENTLY lowering her baby into the bath, Tawana Musvaburi felt overwhelmed with emotion.
But it wasn’t the rush of love she might have expected.
Tawana, a content creator from Buckingham, was plagued with urges to hurt her daughter River after giving birth[/caption]
River’s birth in February 2023 was traumatic, and Tawana was left with a severe tear that needed stitches[/caption]
Instead, the new mum, then 21, was plagued with an urge to hurt her daughter.
She says: “There was a constant noise in my head, all these intrusive thoughts, from the day she was born.
“At bath time, I would think about drowning her.
“I felt like I was going crazy, but I couldn’t tell anyone as it was too shameful to admit.”
Tawana’s story might sound extreme, but around half of new mums are believed to experience thoughts of harming their baby or themselves.
For most, these thoughts may be fleeting. But for some, they can become constant and distressing, which can be a symptom of perinatal OCD, anxiety or depression.
Clinical psychologist Professor Fiona Challacombe, a patron of charity Maternal OCD, says: “We have all sorts of thoughts going through our minds all the time — neutral, positive and negative.
“But intrusive ones are unwanted and flagging something we find distressing.
“We can be quite confused and upset about why we are thinking of bad things happening deliberately, especially as a new parent.”
New research shows that significant changes to the brain during pregnancy, particularly in the area connected to empathy, can be a factor.
This rewiring is thought to help to keep our baby safe but the anxiety it produces can be overwhelming.
Dr Caroline Boyd, a clinical psychologist and ambassador for perinatal mental health charity Pandas Foundation, says: “These thoughts can feel upsetting and out of character, but the fact they feel horrifying is a strong sign you don’t pose a risk to your baby.”
Sadly for mums experiencing this, getting help can take time.
In 2022, Pandas found that eight in ten women seeking NHS support experience worsening symptoms as they sit on the waiting list, with 19 per cent reporting intrusive or unwanted thoughts.
For Tawana, 24, a content creator from Buckingham, motherhood was a huge shock because she only found out she was expecting four weeks before her due date.
At bathtime, I would think about drowning her. I felt like I was going crazy, but I couldn’t tell anyone as it was too shameful to admit.
Tawana Musvaburi
She says: “I had a cryptic pregnancy, so didn’t have nine months to prepare like most women and that definitely contributed to my poor mental health.
“I was expecting to go to university a few months later. I’d been enjoying life and partying. I didn’t look pregnant, people thought I was lying when I told them.”
Her daughter River’s birth in February 2023 was traumatic and Tawana was left with a severe tear that needed stitches.
“The minute I held her, the intrusive thoughts started,” she says.
“You hear about mums getting a rush of love, but I hated her and felt very violated, like I didn’t have a choice with my life and my body any more.
“I just wanted to be as far away from her as possible.
For Tawana, motherhood was a huge shock to the system because she only found out she was expecting four weeks before her due date[/caption]
“I’d think about harming River or harming myself. But it was too scary to voice it to others.
“What would they say if I confessed to such dark feelings?”
Luckily, her mum, Chipo, 45, who she was living with at the time, sensed something was not right and stepped in, refusing to leave Mum alone with her baby.
“It was like I was mentally checked out,” says Tawana, who now lives with River’s father, Emmanuel, 30.
“I didn’t realise it, but I had severe post-partum depression. If it wasn’t for my mum, I would have been sectioned, or worse.
“River was about a month old when I admitted my dark thoughts to my mum, but she had already guessed and got me to see my GP.
“I was lucky to have a wonderful doctor, who was sympathetic, and prescribed me antidepressants.
“Within a month of taking them, I felt things start to lift and the thoughts were much quieter.”
INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS
Research by Maternal OCD has found that parents with a baby staying in neonatal intensive care are particularly vulnerable, with two-thirds reporting intrusive thoughts of harm, either accidental or deliberate.
This was the case for Ivana Poku, 41, who became overwhelmed when her twin sons, Henry and Mason, were born prematurely by emergency C-section at 34 weeks in 2016.
Ivana Poku, 41, who became overwhelmed when her twin sons, Henry and Mason, were born prematurely[/caption]
“Everything felt wrong, I didn’t feel like a mum,” says Ivana, from Fife.
“I had found pregnancy difficult and then I didn’t fall in love with my babies at first sight.
“I thought something was deeply wrong with me, that I was a horrible mum.
“Two weeks after they were born, I began to look at them sleeping and wish they were dead.
“I loved them, but they were crying constantly and I felt out of my depth.
“I now know those feelings are common and natural. Back then, no one had told me that.”
It took Ivana, who is married to Yaw, 49, a project manager, a long time to admit to her feelings. “When you already feel ashamed and judged, how can you say, ‘Yes, I’m having scary thoughts’?” she asks.
Eventually, she broke down in tears to a midwife at the NICU and confessed to her struggles. The hospital called a mental health nurse for an intervention.
“But I had to wait a year for proper counselling, which is ridiculous given that I was possibly a risk to my kids,” says Ivana, who has since had a third child, Yaw, now three.
“I was suicidal and the intrusive thoughts were on and off for a year. It was a dark time. On one occasion, I was home alone and had to lock myself in a bedroom to let the feelings pass.
“The first time I could even admit it to a friend was when the boys were eight months old. The fact she didn’t judge me helped with the shame.”
I thought something was deeply wrong with me, that I was a horrible mum.
Ivana Poku
Ivana, who now runs Mums Journey, offering courses preparing women for motherhood, believes the system does not create a safe space for mums to open up. “The focus is mostly on physical recovery,” she says. “Emotional and mental health is barely scratched, until it’s too late.
“We need honest conversations about life after a baby.”
According to the Maternal Mental Health Alliance, 70 per cent of women downplay or hide symptoms of poor mental health after birth due to fear of judgement.
Ivana – who now runs courses preparing women for motherhood – believes the system does not create a safe space for mums to open up[/caption]
But suicide is the leading cause of maternal death between six weeks and a year after birth, which is why talking about feelings is vital.
“There’s already a stigma around perinatal mental health,” says Prof Challacombe.
“Sufferers have a fear that they are not going to be seen as an adequate parent. And if the nature of your difficulties is that you’re having thoughts you might abuse your baby, there is additional shame.
“Women need to know that intrusive thoughts are common and normal, but if you are finding them distressing, help is out there.”
Help for mental health
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support.
The following are free to contact and confidential:
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
- CALM (the leading movement against suicide in men) www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Papyrus (prevention of young suicide) www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Shout (for support of all mental health) www.giveusashout.org/get-help/, text 85258 to start a conversation
Mind, www.mind.org, provide information about types of mental health problems and where to get help for them. Call the infoline on 0300 123 3393 (UK landline calls are charged at local rates, and charges from mobile phones will vary).
YoungMinds run a free, confidential parents helpline on 0808 802 5544 for parents or carers worried about how a child or young person is feeling or behaving. The website has a chat option too.
Rethink Mental Illness, www.rethink.org, gives advice and information service offers practical advice on a wide range of topics such as The Mental Health Act, social care, welfare benefits, and carers rights. Use its website or call 0300 5000 927 (calls are charged at your local rate).
Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk, is the a mental health initiative spearheaded by The Royal Foundation of The Prince and Princess of Wales.
Dr Boyd says voicing your thoughts to a supportive friend or healthcare professional is a vital first step, but antidepressants or talking therapy could be needed.
“The ‘perfect mother’ myth that we all internalise from an early age creates this idea that experiencing any negative thoughts or feeling means you are bad or failing,” she explains. “Women need to remember this is not the case.”
For Ivana, being open made the world of difference when her third baby arrived.
“Even though I struggled and didn’t bond right away, knowing it was normal made such a difference,” she says. “It’s hard to think I could feel such love for my children and experience such terrible thoughts.”
Tawana also feels huge love for her daughter two years on.
She says: “I couldn’t imagine ever hurting River.
“But I dread to think what could have happened without my mum stepping up to help.”
