DEAR DEIDRE: THANK you for helping me begin to put my marriage back together after an affair nearly destroyed everything.
When I first wrote to you, I was ashamed, heartbroken and terrified of what I’d done. I’d had a year-long affair with a married colleague.
It started with flirting and banter at work but quickly became intense and physical. The chemistry between us was undeniable – I felt seen, excited, and alive.
But when I told him I was ready to leave my husband, he panicked. He ended things abruptly, then turned cruel. I was devastated.
Worse still, he began flaunting a new affair with another colleague from my department, all while threatening to expose me.
He said he would tell everyone I was a tart. I felt humiliated, trapped, and stupid for ever trusting him.
Despite the betrayal, I kept quiet. I didn’t retaliate or tell anyone what had really happened. But the weight of the lie at home became too much to bear.
I couldn’t look my husband in the eye without feeling like a fraud. So I told him everything. He was crushed. He packed a bag, left our home, and stopped speaking to me.
The next time I heard from him, it was via email – he wanted a divorce.
That’s when I turned to you.
You helped me see the truth. That my affair was a dead end. That my colleague’s cruel behaviour was about control and deflection – not love.
You gave me practical steps to protect myself at work and reassured me that I didn’t have to suffer his threats in silence. I spoke to HR, and they supported me more than I ever expected.
But more than that, you gave me hope that maybe I hadn’t ruined my marriage forever.
You urged me to try to find a way to reach my husband through a mutual friend if needed, to own my mistakes but also express my desire to rebuild.
You reminded me that while healing wouldn’t be easy, trust could be earned again with time, effort and honesty.
Your support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? gave me the tools to begin those conversations, and your recommendation of counselling gave us a way to talk when we couldn’t find the words ourselves.
It took us a while, but over time our relationship gradually started to strengthen, and now we’re in a much better place, slowly rebuilding the trust we lost.
We’re not pretending it didn’t happen, but we’re facing it together, with compassion and effort on both sides.
Thank you for helping me see the truth and for helping me start to put things right.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so glad you reached out and shared your story. Affairs are often steeped in shame and secrecy, so it takes real courage to be honest.
Acknowledging what happened and facing the consequences head-on is never easy, but it was the vital first step toward healing.
As painful as your experience has been, your letter is a powerful reminder that healing is possible, even after deep betrayal.
You’ve shown real strength by facing the consequences of your actions, rather than hiding from them.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is never easy, but by owning your mistakes and choosing honesty, you gave your marriage a fighting chance.
Your story proves that while affairs may feel thrilling at the time, they often mask deeper emotional problems and end up hurting the people we care about most. But they don’t have to define the rest of your life.
With effort, openness and a shared commitment to healing, it is possible to come through the other side stronger.
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Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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