WHEN she was 12, Laura Hind-White made a decision that changed her life.
What seemed like a banal act actually sparked a chain of increasingly extreme events including underage drinking, school expulsion and running away from home.
Laura Hind-White has spoken of the devastating impact losing her virginity at 12 has had on her life[/caption]
“I was only 12 when I had sex for the first time, something that I find completely staggering now,” Laura tells Fabulous.
The 41-year-old mum-of-three, who remembers losing her virginity like it was yesterday, adds: “I was so young I hadn’t even thought of using a condom.
“I never had sex with the boy in question again and we carried on as if nothing had happened.
“I remember going to sleep in my own bedroom afterwards, cuddling my teddy and my ‘blankie’.”
Laura’s story comes after a recent World Health Organisation report revealed that English girls are more likely to have had sex at 15 than their peers in many developed countries.
Another study, which defined ‘early exposure’ to sex as having intercourse at age 14 or younger, suggested that women who experience this will usually be involved in high risk behaviours, are more likely to have a major depressive episode in their teens and go on to divorce.
Laura says she went off the rails after having sex as a pre-teen and that it greatly affected her romantic relationships and mental health.
Laura, who lives in Durham and is a full-time carer for her husband Paul, now has a daughter Heidi, 14.
She says: “I felt very grown-up at the time. The fact Heidi is now around the same age reminds me that I was far too young.
“I don’t recall any sex education at school. Even though my periods had started when I was 11 I was really naive.”
As a young girl Laura says she always preferred male company.
“Girls could be mean and competitive,” she says.
“By 12, I was hanging out with boys in the years above me at school.
“One who was 16 became what I thought of as my friend rather than a boyfriend.
I didn’t want to be the odd one out
“He had lovely eyes, made me laugh and his mum was lovely to me too.
“He defended me when other girls picked on me. We would spend time together at the local park or his parents’ house.”
At school Laura listened to the constant chatter among her friends about sex.
She blames the 90s culture – which featured ‘sex position of the week’ in teen magazines and MTV music videos with scantily-clad girls dancing – for fuelling their obsession.
She says: “The underlying message was that to be cool you had to be up for sex.
“Girls in my class often talked about sex in a way that made me believe they had already lost their virginity. I started to feel I didn’t want to be the odd one out.”
Yet then, and today, having sex with someone under the age of 16 is statutory rape. It is illegal to do so, even if they consent.
Laura says: “It’s something I now find deeply disturbing. I hadn’t known then that having sex with someone under 16 is statutory rape.
To be cool, you had to be up for sex
“No one ever talked about underage sex being illegal even if they consent.”
Laura says this was never discussed amongst her peers.
She says: “It wasn’t long before I started talking to my friend about trying sex.
“He was far from a virgin and I could tell he found me attractive.
“One spring Saturday afternoon we spent the day at the local shopping centre before going back to his house when he knew his parents wouldn’t be in.
“Not long after the front door closed, we found ourselves in his bedroom. I wasn’t afraid or embarrassed, I just felt weird about being so intimate with a friend.
“When he had finished, I stood up, did a little curtsey and said thank you. I had to be home by 6pm, so I left half an hour after I’d arrived.
“While it didn’t hurt, I didn’t exactly enjoy it. I was so naive that there had been no discussion of contraception – I was lucky I didn’t get pregnant.”
When Laura told her friends at school that she had ‘done the deed’ she got the shock of her life.
She says: “They wanted to know all the details and it soon became clear they weren’t at all as experienced as they’d claimed. I felt extremely foolish and as though I’d been had.”
I kept secret for six months
Laura adds: “I’m only just joining the dots about the lasting impact of losing my virginity at such a young age.
“I left school at 16, suffered depression, had my fair share of sex partners, I’ve been divorced too.”
Until then Laura had a comfortable upbringing. She and her older sister had their own bedroom in their London home. Her mum ran a care home and her dad was a coach driver.
She says: “I was normally very honest with my mum but I kept this secret for six months. Then when we were sitting together in the kitchen one day, I blurted it out.
“She was very shocked. When she finally found her voice, she asked: ‘Why?’
“I told her that I’d wanted to do it – and it was with someone I trusted.
“I don’t remember any talk of involving the police as a result of me being under age.”
As a girl Laura had wanted to be a vet. But after having underage sex her life began to spiral out of control.
She says: “I got a tattoo at 14, I started going to the pub with older friends, too.
“Things went from bad to worse. At 15 I left home for two weeks, staying with a man of 20. Mum told me I’d regret it but I thought I knew best. Of course I was back home after a fortnight.
“By then I’d been expelled from school for non-attendance and was waiting to be accepted into another one.”
Laura was 18 when she married a man who was 35 and went on to set up home with him.
I plunged into a deep depression
She says: “My parents were determined to make the best of things for me. They paid £15,000 for our wedding. I suspect they thought I’d turn over a new leaf with a respectable marriage.
“Deep down, I knew I wasn’t living the life I’d wanted to have. When I was pregnant with my eldest son, I plunged into a deep depression. Heidi was born six years later – but my marriage had already hit the rocks.”
By 30, Laura was a single mum to two children.
She says: “I did go on to have other relationships but I’d sleep with them on the first night.
“It meant they were doomed to failure. I’d wait for them to leave me and they always did.
“It’s only now that I realise losing my virginity at 12 set me on this path. I used sex to make men like me, which attracted the wrong sort of partners.”
Laura doesn’t want daughter Heidi, 14, to make the same mistakes she did[/caption]
Laura was finally able to break the destructive patterns caused by losing her virginity so young when she met her husband Paul in 2013.
She says: “He was a friend of a friend, he had gorgeous eyes and asked me lots of questions about myself. Unlike so many other men, he didn’t care what I looked like, but the kind of person I was.
“He was horrified when I first suggested sex, telling me he’d never had a one night stand.
“And he repeatedly refused to sleep with me for the first month.
“When we finally did make love, it was the first time I’d properly enjoyed it. He’s easily my best lover.
I used sex to make men like me
“When I told him how young I’d been when I lost my virginity Paul believed – like I do now – that I was a child who couldn’t consent.
“At first, we had sex every day; now with a busy family, it’s at least once a month.
“We make sure we have time for us. With young kids it isn’t always easy though.”
Today Laura’s sons are aged nine, ten and 20. Her daughter Heidi is 14.
Laura says: “She is a diligent, sensitive child who’s into boy bands and dreams of becoming a florist. With three brothers, she is a steady, mature presence in our boisterous home.
How to talk to your kids about sex
1) Get comfortable with yourself and with the facts
It can be awkward to talk about sex, but the more comfortable you are yourself, the easier it will go, and the more comfortable your child will feel coming to you.
One way of increasing your comfort level is to know the facts. Younger children need to learn the basic facts. As they near adolescence they have to be prepared for the changes in their own bodies, emotions, and sexual feelings.
2) Start talking early and keep the conversation going
Even young children need to learn about self-respect, appropriate touch, and regard for others’ feelings and limits.
In general, it is easier for teens to discuss topics that involve values and safety as an ongoing conversation rather than a talk held in reaction to an event. In other words, you’ll be much more comfortable — and your adolescent will be much more receptive — if your conversation is not launched before a first date or prom night.
3) Make it about values
There are a lot of places your tween or teen can learn about sex – but you need to be sure they learn the values around healthy sexuality from you. If you and other caring adults don’t address these topics they’ll absorb their values from the internet, television and music. In the worst-case scenario, they’ll learn from internet pornography and be saddled with harmful, and unsettling, depictions of sex and sexuality. They’ll also learn from their friends – and those values may be good, but they won’t be seasoned with life experience.
4) Listen and don’t make assumptions
The more your child confides in you, the more you can guide them towards developmentally appropriate solutions regarding sex. Encourage them to talk – sometimes less words coming from us mean more words coming from them. If they ask a question, ask them what they already know or have heard about the topic. Take a listening stance that’s non-judgmental. Be factual in the responses you give them as well. Take note of the reactions to your responses. If you are asked a question you’re not prepared to answer right then and there, say you’ll work to get the right information and follow up with them another time.
5) Don’t lecture; explain the whys
You need to support your child to learn to make their own wise decisions. When they are told what to do or warned, they can be pushed away. A starting point is to discuss rather than demand. Let your child know that talking with them is your way of helping them to learn to make responsible choices. Make sure your kids understand why you’re asking them to do (or not to do) certain things when it comes to sexual behaviours. Talk to them about sex in the larger context of relationships – not only as part of a safety message to them. That will also help them understand the whys driving your guidance. This will prevent them from feeling controlled; it will help them understand your goal is to protect and guide them.
Guidance taken from the Centre for Parent and Teen Communication.
“I can safely say finding a boyfriend is the last thing on her mind. She tells me she’s just not interested, and I’m relieved she’s in no hurry to grow up too quickly.
“The thought of her having sex at such a tender age is horrifying to me. She’s still a child.
“I’m very open with my children about sex and relationships. If they have questions, they know to ask me rather than try to find out for themselves.
“I’m horrified by the violent porn available online and how girls Heidi’s age are coerced into sharing nudes of themselves.
“I joke Heidi will be in her 40s before I finally allow her to have sex. I know I don’t have to worry about her, though.
“She is rather disgusted that I lost my virginity at such a young age – my 12-year-old self is glad she thinks this way too.”
