DEAR DEIDRE: I’M in such a mess. I didn’t even want to become a dad when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. Now I’ve learned my boss is also expecting my child.
My girlfriend and I have been together barely six months. I’m 29, she’s 26.
When she told me she was pregnant, I was shocked because parenthood wasn’t on the cards as far as I was concerned.
Still, she was adamant she wanted to keep the baby and over the weeks I’ve come around to the idea of being a dad. But our sex life has fallen away.
I work in an accounts department and my boss is lovely. She’s 34.
Last year my team went out and my boss had one too many. I told the others that I’d make sure she got home OK.
When we got to her flat, she insisted I went in with her and so I sent the taxi away thinking I’d make sure she had a couple of glasses of water before I left.
She sobered up pretty quickly and I must have been there a few hours.
When she suggested I stay over, I said I’d sleep on the sofa. Her answer was to lead me to her bedroom.
We had a cuddle, a kiss and then sex. I’d missed sex so much. It felt incredible.
We went for lunch yesterday and she told me she’s pregnant.
The baby is due three months after that with my girlfriend.
I desperately want her to have the baby terminated.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You cannot insist she has an abortion – it is entirely her decision.
If she keeps the baby, you will have to tell your girlfriend because there are two innocent children being born into chaos.
They need to be supported financially and emotionally. Now you’ve absorbed the news, ask your boss how she plans to handle things at work.
At least you will then know whether it would be wise to find a new job.
You’ll have to beg and plead forgiveness from your girlfriend about your mistake and you are likely to lose her. But if the two babies are yours, there’s no alternative but to come clean.
My support pack Cheating: Can You Get Over It? will help you work things through with your girlfriend – if she allows it.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
WIFE SAID OUR LOVE HAS GONE
DEAR DEIDRE: I KNOW men can have a mid-life crisis but can women? I ask because my wife has said she doesn’t love me any more and I should move on.
She’s 52 and I’m 58. I love her so much. Two months ago she sat me down and told me she didn’t want to sleep with me and could I move into the spare room.
I thought she might be hormonal because of the menopause, and invite me back into our bedroom in a day or so but that day never came.
We’ve been married nearly 30 years and our kids have left home.
I know she’s been chatting to a male colleague on her phone. I’m worried she’s having an affair.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s possible for anyone to have a midlife crisis but it sounds as if your wife has simply checked out of your relationship.
It is hard when these things come out of the blue. Find a quiet moment and ask her what she wants to do about the relationship.
You can find support with a counsellor through BACP – British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300), even if separation is the ultimate outcome.
HUBBY’S DRINKING PROBLEM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband is downing more and more alcohol on a daily basis. He says he knows when he’s had enough but these days, it’s a shed-load.
He’s 37 and he has a stressful job as a trader in a bank. I’m a stay-at-home mum and we have three children. I’m 35.
He’s always been a good dad but recently he’s ignored the kids and me. He drinks multiple cans of lager, then moves on to wine.
He goes to work the next day and must feel dreadful but doesn’t seem to show it.
We’ve had dreadful rows when he’s drunk but he doesn’t remember the next day. I want my husband back.
I’m scared that his drinking is going to split us up.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t fix him. Only he can make the changes he needs to get sober.
There must be something else going on for him so try to talk to him when he’s not had a drink. Explain that you miss the person that he was.
He needs to find emotional support and when he does that, you will be there to help him kick his addiction.
He can find support through We Are With You (wearewithyou.org.uk). My support pack called Dealing With A Problem Drinker explains more.
UNI CREEP WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE
DEAR DEIDRE: A GUY at university won’t stop sending me disgusting texts, saying he wants to caress my body and have sex with me. I have only met him once and he was such a creep.
I’m 19 and I started uni in September. There was a WhatsApp group set up for freshers, which I joined so that I could meet a few people before my start date. The whole thing turned into a nightmare.
We went out to a club and this guy wouldn’t stop hassling me. He was drunk, but he kept pawing at me and trying to put his arm around my waist.
One of the other guys pushed him away and then I went home with one of the girls.
Since then, this pest has not stopped messaging me. He’s told me he loves me.
He mentions all the gross things he wants to do to me. I’m terrified he’ll start sending me explicit photos.
I told somebody in the students’ union, but nothing seems to be done about him.
I don’t know how to deal with him. He’s starting to scare me now.
DEIDRE SAYS: No wonder you’re frightened. He sounds a real menace and it is understandable that you’re worried.
If you can find the courage, message him and say that if the texts and harassment don’t stop, you’re going to the police. Report him to student welfare, too.
He may be obsessed with you or he may have mental health issues. Don’t go out alone and, if things don’t improve, make sure you keep a log of any incidents.
It would be safer to change your phone number to a new one. Put your current SIM in an old phone so that you can keep any messages separate from your daily life. This way you’ll have the evidence to prove what he is doing.
Find further tips through the National Stalking Helpline (stalkinghelpline.org, 0808 802 0300), which helps anyone who is intimidated by another person’s behaviour.
My support pack, called Standing Up For Yourself, will help.
